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A Brief History of Shower Time


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#1 Shogoon

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Posted 09 July 2011 - 03:46 AM

The modern shower functions much like any other vehicle on earth.
It requires a user, energy, and a destination. It also comes in a variety of fun shapes and colours. Many showers can accommodate several people at once. Indeed, showering has, since its inception, been seen primarily as a social event.
A common misconception of today is that the shower is unable to transport someone from one point to another.


This is, of course, incorrect.


Let us say, for example, that point a is a point in time and space in which someone has just woken up and is feeling rather overwhelmed and unenthusiastic, but must arrive at point c, his or her workplace, with vigour, a positive attitude, and enthusiasm, so that it can be duly ignored and unappreciated by his or her work colleagues/superiors.
To get from point a to point c it is necessary to stop by at point b first, a point in time and space where one becomes more prepared for the mess that life will feel the necessity to thrust forth on that particular day.

Let's forget about the points, they weren't helping.

Think about the Sun.
The Sun is so massively huge and warm and generally wonderful that the Earth is amorously gravitated towards it; the gravitational pull of the bed can be equally fierce, particularly in the morning. The generally accepted explanation for this is that at that point in time the Sun is rising, and humans have developed an instinct to create a force to counteract that of the Earth being pulled toward the Sun.

As wonderful as the Sun is, its daily courting of our Earth takes time, and like a gentle and dedicated lover its rays must patiently stir it awake before ultraviolet consummation can commence. We humans living on it though must be up and about before that, while Earth is still giving its partner the cold shoulder.
And the hot shower is our only means of accommodating the transition between the warm and snug bed to the cold and hard world.

It’s worth noting at this point that some sources report that there are people who actually prefer to shower in cold water, but this has long since been debunked as an urban myth.
In conclusion, then, showers are indeed a vessel like (and yet unlike) any other.

But let us look at another aspect of shower travel, or shotra.
Much is made of the starting point and destination of shotra, yet startlingly little is known of the journey between those two points.
This is presumably because
a. people were too busy enjoying their shower to take notes, or
b. because the notes got wet.


An alternate theory contends that a freak wormhole to another dimension opens up, and the notes are sucked through it, where they are promptly eaten by a parallel universe dog.
Cases of parallel animals such as the anti-monkey appearing in our universe have of course been well documented (Ross and Hones, Monmo: A case study of the alternate ape), but most academics still take issue with the parallel universe dog excuse, mostly because it is quite unimaginative.

It can with fair certainty be established, in any case, that time spent in the shower is fundamentally different to that spent outside the shower.


While in a state of showering, the human concept of time slowly erodes.
Tibetan monks of the 5th century were among the first to make this discovery. They reasoned that by being enveloped in the warm caress of 10 minute shower, the human aura lowers its defences and, for a short time, we become one with the shower.
Showers, being inanimate objects, obviously have a vastly different understanding of time than we do, much like rocks or politicians. This goes a great length in explaining why some people take a lot longer in a shower than others. A select percentage of the population is more sensitive to the fusing process, and simply loses track of time because it ceases to function in a normal way.


Finally of course showering helps greatly in staying clean.
And while being hygienic brings a plethora of positive physical health benefits, the most crucial is the effect it has on the psyche.
The grime of life is not always a physical one, and each of us must find ways to scrub it off as it builds up.
The value of being, and more importantly feeling cleansed, cannot be underestimated.


Little wonder, then, that Showerology has propelled itself over the last 50 years to the forefront of medical psychotherapy.
According to Mellissa Faux, Director of the World Psychology Institute, Showers are “the single greatest invention of the last century.” She goes on to say “We would be living in a perpetual nightmare, as a race, if it weren’t for showers. Just look around you, people use them all the time. I personally never leave home without one. Even the technological world is taking advantage of all its benefits! Last month Showerpad was released for on-the-go showering, and the DoucheApp is the most downloaded app in history. We really are lucky to be living in the age we do.”

Many shower users are well aware of all the fine attributes of a shower, and understandably, feel that baths pale by comparison.
It is precisely for this reason that the Campaign Against Baths, or CAB, was founded in 1973.
Most CAB members vehemently protest the use of a bath, and go to great lengths to see that people cease bathing.
A common practice in bath protest is to stop washing for the length of the demonstration.
Unfortunately such demonstrations are banned in most civilized areas, making them markedly ineffective.

In recent years CAB has undergone a vast PR transformation in order to appeal to the younger generations. While the founding members of CAB had strict expectations of attire, the current administration has taken up a more relaxed attitude. Cotton bathrobes, for example, are no longer required to attend meetings. Wearing Japanese yukatas, bathing caps or simply holding a sponge will ensure entrance is granted. Bath salts and candles are still strictly prohibited, however.


CAB's also changed its slogan to “You can't pee in your bath”, after new ground breaking bath & shower studies showed that urinating in the shower was entirely possible.

Popular Norwegian death metal band Necrüm, long time and high ranking members of CAB, launched their hit single “Cower afore the might of the Shower” into international radio waves last year to generate interest in the organization.

When asked about the song’s meaning, Tore Ondhammer, Necrüms lead guitarist and costume designer, answered thus: “It’s all about being completely floored by this awesome power of the shower. I think it’s something every person can relate to you know? And it’s also something we as a band take very seriously. It’s completely central to all our themes. We don’t cry, but if we did, it would resemble a shower. That’s how much we respect showers.” (Drop Death Tuning Magazine, January 2011)

According to statistics taken in July of 2011, CAB’s membership roster has increased by 3000% percent in two years, and 9/10 members are under 25 years old.
With a new generation investing their lives in such a valuable cause, the future looks bright indeed.

Interestingly enough, the bathing populace has not shown any signs of forming an opposition group, but this is probably because they are relaxing in a bath.

As has hopefully been made apparent, the shower is an indispensable tool in today’s world. Like a Swiss army knife, but made for the survival of the human soul, its uses are endless and contributions insurmountable; its worth incalculable.
Blessed are we, children of the shower era.

- Pr. Dr. Theodore von Squalor is the Director of Bath and Shower studies (PhD Showerology) at the University of Greenwhich.


Further reading - Split socks: Unveiling a mystery (1996 Karrson)
- Monmo: A case study of the alternate ape (1965 Ross et al.)
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#2 nick

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Posted 09 July 2011 - 01:47 PM

The Sun is so massively huge and warm and generally wonderful that the Earth is amorously gravitated towards it; the gravitational pull of the bed can be equally fierce, particularly in the morning. This may be because at that point the Sun is rising, and humans have developed an instinct to create a force to counteract that of the Earth being pulled toward the Sun.



this is so fucking heavy
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#3 Belacqua Murphy & Watt

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Posted 20 July 2011 - 06:20 PM

really awesome, once again, and hilarious too. i do think it could go for a little more organization, however. the CAB thing, which i think is excellent, could be introduced earlier somehow. i think the piece just needs something to tie everything up poetically--to bring it all together stylistically. the individual things here are excellent, tho, very contemplative w/o taking itself at all seriously. reminds me a bit of Italo Calvino's later stuff. but again, i think those individual things can be tied up in a poetic manner--make connections, for instance, between the different ideas. (e.g. you mention the Sun and gravity and stuff, so maybe the CAB people are all scientists who're bad at taking those notes in the shower, haha.)
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#4 Shogoon

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Posted 20 July 2011 - 06:52 PM

Thanks for the feedback :)

I agree this was a bit rushed; I only picked it back up and had started writing it 3 months ago.

I'll concentrate on making it flow better.
Perhaps breakfast will be next.
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#5 Shogoon

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Posted 20 December 2012 - 12:08 PM

New and improved, finally
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#6 Abelian

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Posted 20 December 2012 - 06:25 PM

"It’s worth noting at this point that some sources report that there are people who actually prefer to shower in cold water, but this has long since been debunked as an urban myth."

Hahah. Nice.
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#7 ghost falseswipe haunting book thread

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 04:00 PM

I love it. I do agree that some more organization would be an improvement--after the parallel universe dog, it seemed less like the story/essay was going in one specific direction and then began branching out in all directions without a clear focus.

But really funny, really interesting stuff. I don't usually poke around this part of the Umbi but your writing kept me interested for the entire time it took me to read it. I'm sensing a Vonnegut influence? Seems very similar to the first few chapters of Breakfast of Champions.
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#8 Shogoon

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Posted 22 December 2012 - 08:12 AM

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on it dude.
I actually cleaned it up lots, but I can see the transition between the parallel universe part and time could be a lot smoother.
To be brutally honest I hadn't heard of Italo Calvino or Vonnegut before you both mentioned them.
Anyway thanks a million for the suggestions, it's not always obvious to me what's missing.
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#9 ghost falseswipe haunting book thread

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Posted 22 December 2012 - 10:11 PM

Read pages 16-23 of this:

http://www.booksbook...ampions_pdf.pdf

It's not exactly what you're trying to do but that's what it reminded me of.
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#10 Shogoon

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Posted 10 January 2013 - 05:09 AM

wow thanks dude, that was a fantastic read
I can see exactly what you mean, that kind of writing addressed to an alien or someone completely ignorant of our world
I love this guy
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#11 Guest_tiohisbuna_*

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Posted 09 March 2013 - 02:18 AM

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#12 Guest_tiohisbuna_*

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Posted 09 March 2013 - 02:39 AM

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THE RULES:

If you see someone you know, you DO NOT publicize it. Do not spread rumors.

When you have sex with any of our members, it is your responsibility to protect yourself against Sexually Transmitted Diseases.

Respect sexual desires of other members. Our members are normal men and women; they are not porn stars or prostitutes.

We periodically close registration for men. This is to have approximately an equal number of male and female members.

Registration for MEN is currently OPEN and it is FREE,
so we advise you to register now, while slots for male members are open.


Offer expires 3/12/2013 so hurry!
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#13 Shogoon

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Posted 09 March 2013 - 05:21 PM

DYLAN!
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