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Viz letterbocks/top tips


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19 replies to this topic

#1 Remedy Malahide

Remedy Malahide

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Posted 22 August 2008 - 04:29 AM

PRETEND to be a tiny person by pouring all the crisps from a multi-pack bag into the big bag they came in, and eating them out of that.
Alastair Baverstock, e-mail

MUMS. Out of Christmas wrapping paper? Simply convert birthday wrapping paper by adding "Jesus" after "Happy Birthday."
Roll Fizzlebeef, e-mail


They certainly don't make horses like they used to. In the olden days, cowboys and indians would gallop along shooting each other and whooping. Now when you see a horse you have to practically stop your car and creep past so as you don't frighten them. Bring back the old 'hard' horses, I say.
R Karslake, Oxon

I work as a Fire Safety Officer at the Cadbury's factory in Bournville, and I am the butt of many a joke in my local, as people remind me that I am "about as much use as a chocolate fire-guard." However, I have the last laugh as they fail to realise that I have an unblemished record in over 28 years of service.
C Dexter, Bournville


I can't understand all this fuss about 'evil' Josef Fritzl? As I remember the last time an Austrian hid his young lover and seven children from the authorities the story was turned into the most successful and beloved film musical ever. People are so fickle.
Ralfe Inger, e-mail

How come dogs get Rolls-Royce arseholes that crimp off perfectly each time, whereas we humans get the Skoda model where you have to use a bit of paper to chase it halfway round your back?
Stevros, e-mail

chortle
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#2 Remedy Malahide

Remedy Malahide

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Posted 22 August 2008 - 04:32 AM

MY wife loves the Attenborough brothers, David and Richard, but she finds it very difficult to remember which one is the actor and which one is the zoo keeper. So I wrote this poem to help her out. I hope it comes in useful to any Viz readers who suffer the same confusion.

Attenboroughs both are they,
Brothers each from their first day,
Very different jobs they do,
But how to tell quite who is who?

Nature films Sir David makes,
Of fishes, trouts and bears and snakes,
Whilst his brother made his mark,
In films such as Jurassic Park.
M Gripewater, Carlton



PEOPLE think Stephen Hawking is so clever, but when you ask him a question and he is typing in the answer on his little screen, how do we know he isn't just looking up the answer on the Internet?
DNC, London
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#3 Kablam

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Posted 22 August 2008 - 04:34 AM

PEOPLE think Stephen Hawking is so clever, but when you ask him a question and he is typing in the answer on his little screen, how do we know he isn't just looking up the answer on the Internet?
DNC, London

LMAO
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#4 ninboy

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Posted 22 August 2008 - 04:34 AM

Posted Image
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#5 Kablam

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Posted 22 August 2008 - 04:35 AM

Posted Image


FTW
:lol:
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#6 Remedy Malahide

Remedy Malahide

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Posted 22 August 2008 - 04:45 AM

What a load of rubbish these modern so-called comedy programmes are these days. They are usually full of swearing and filth and are just not funny. What ever happened to proper comedies, like the one set in that shop with the shit-stabber and the woman with the blue hair who was always always talking about her cunt?
Mabel Cuxwold


i'm not sure how many people here will have heard of are you being served though which is a shame for this letter.
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#7 motherprussia

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Posted 22 August 2008 - 04:50 AM

What a load of rubbish these modern so-called comedy programmes are these days. They are usually full of swearing and filth and are just not funny. What ever happened to proper comedies, like the one set in that shop with the shit-stabber and the woman with the blue hair who was always always talking about her cunt?
Mabel Cuxwold


i'm not sure how many people here will have heard of are you being served though which is a shame for this letter.

hahahaha I actually get it!
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#8 Remedy Malahide

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Posted 22 August 2008 - 04:52 AM

excellent! or maybe not, you poor thing having to be put through seeing that...
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#9 Kablam

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Posted 22 August 2008 - 04:53 AM

lol
it took me a while...
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#10 motherprussia

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Posted 22 August 2008 - 04:53 AM

Yeah, I suppose if you've seen that show once, you've seen every show. At least that's the impression I've had.
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#11 ron

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Posted 22 August 2008 - 04:56 AM

yay


ron loves viz

just bought the new issue today
will post da funnies in a bit
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#12 Remedy Malahide

Remedy Malahide

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Posted 22 August 2008 - 04:56 AM

Yeah, I suppose if you've seen that show once, you've seen every show. At least that's the impression I've had.


pretty much.
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#13 sousmarin

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Posted 22 August 2008 - 04:57 AM

I can't understand all this fuss about 'evil' Josef Fritzl? As I remember the last time an Austrian hid his young lover and seven children from the authorities the story was turned into the most successful and beloved film musical ever. People are so fickle.
Ralfe Inger, e-mail


hahahah

oh man
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#14 Guest_tohereknowswut?_*

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Posted 22 August 2008 - 04:58 AM

Mix your real butter with I can't believe it's not butter. You won't know what to believe.
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#15 Remedy Malahide

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Posted 22 August 2008 - 04:58 AM

I can't understand all this fuss about 'evil' Josef Fritzl? As I remember the last time an Austrian hid his young lover and seven children from the authorities the story was turned into the most successful and beloved film musical ever. People are so fickle.
Ralfe Inger, e-mail


hahahah

oh man


hahaha i know that one's a cracker.

yes please post ron!
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#16 ron

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Posted 22 August 2008 - 05:38 AM

In all this debate about the future of the Church of England, I find myself siding firmly with the traditionalists. It seems obvious to me that women cant be bishops as they would be moody from their periods all the time. And gay men should never be allowed to be priests as they'd spend all day thinking about men's bottoms and never get any work done.
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#17 ron

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Posted 22 August 2008 - 05:41 AM

NUDISTS. In cold weather, when you are forced to wear clothes, simply pin a photograph of your cock and balls onto the front of your trousers.
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#18 Pluto

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Posted 22 August 2008 - 05:55 AM

Hahaha, these are brilliant.
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#19 Remedy Malahide

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Posted 22 August 2008 - 10:29 PM

haha thanks ron
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#20 Remedy Malahide

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Posted 27 August 2008 - 09:31 PM

for reasons known only to myself i was reading some of the readers' comments on news stories in the daily mail the other day. one must have been a joke because well...the story goes that a guy got a spam text message on his phone just before he crossed the road. he got distracted and supposedly walked into the road while he was looking at his phone rather than paying attention to the traffic, so he got knocked down and killed.

http://www.dailymail...e.html#comments

anyway this was one of the comments:

Same as being distracted while driving the car...These SPAM text messages should be made illegal, before these worthless message claim another life. Great sympathy for John Daglish's family and God have mercy on John's soul - peace to all.

- Anna, Fl, USA, 26/8/2008 13:21

YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT UP
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